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There are few things more capable of unsettling an otherwise confident person than being presented with a plate of food and quietly thinking, How on earth am I supposed to eat this?
Can I use my fingers? Am I supposed to use the stick? Do I need both a knife and fork? What do I do with the olive pip already in my mouth? And is it terribly rude to admit that my chopstick skills are practically nonexistent?
These are not frivolous questions.
Good table manners give us confidence because they remove uncertainty. But contemporary dining etiquette is about much more than knowing which piece of cutlery to use.
At its heart, etiquette is about respect, kindness and consideration, making ourselves and the people around us feel comfortable.
And as our dining experiences become increasingly international, modern table manners also require something else: adaptability.
So, what are the table manners worth knowing today?
Can I Eat That With My Fingers?
Sometimes, absolutely.
Sandwiches, canapés, burgers, tacos, many types of pizza, certain shellfish and a great many cocktail foods are designed to be eaten with the fingers.
The important considerations are the food itself and the setting in which it is being served.
A slice of pizza at a casual lunch is quite different from a small pizza served at an elegant restaurant. Likewise, a canapé offered at a cocktail party is clearly intended to be picked up.
A useful rule is to ask yourself whether you can eat the food neatly and comfortably with your fingers.
If it is dripping with sauce, falling apart or requiring extraordinary manoeuvres to get it into your mouth, cutlery may be the more elegant choice.
And remember, finger food does not mean abandoning table manners. Take manageable bites, use your napkin and resist the temptation to lick your fingers.
What Do I Do With Food Served on a Stick?
Our contemporary menus seem to contain an increasing number of things on sticks: satay, yakitori, kebabs, fruit skewers and elaborate little cocktail creations.
The question to ask is whether the stick is intended to be the utensil.
A small canapé on a cocktail stick can usually be eaten directly from it.
A substantial skewer served as part of a plated meal is different. If eating from it requires you to wrestle with a long skewer or pull stubborn pieces of meat from it with your teeth, remove the food onto your plate and use your cutlery.
One of my favourite informal etiquette principles applies beautifully here: the more theatrical the manoeuvre becomes, the more likely it is that there is a better way.
When Is It Acceptable to Use Only a Fork?
Not every meal requires both a knife and fork.
If the food does not need cutting, there is no reason to invent a job for your knife simply because it happens to be sitting beside your plate.
Risotto, salads, soft foods, some fish dishes and shorter pasta dishes can often be eaten perfectly comfortably with a fork alone.
Good table manners should help us eat naturally and neatly. They should never feel like a performance.
How Should I Eat Spaghetti?
Spaghetti is responsible for an extraordinary amount of dining anxiety.
The secret is simply not to take too much.
Gather a few strands with your fork and twirl them against the plate until you have a small, manageable mouthful.
There is generally no need for a spoon, nor should you cut the entire plate of spaghetti into little pieces.
And if you occasionally miscalculate and discover a rebellious strand of spaghetti heading towards your chin, deal with it quietly. We have all been there.
Elegance does not mean perfection.
What Are the Rules for Soup and Bread?
Soup requires surprisingly little technique.
Do not overload the spoon, bring it calmly towards your mouth and sip quietly from the side of the spoon. If the soup is too hot, allow it to cool rather than blowing on it.
And you do not need to pursue every last spoonful around the bowl.
Bread has its own little conventions.
In traditional Western dining, your bread plate is to your left. Rather than buttering an entire roll and biting into it, break off a small piece, butter that piece and eat it.
Then repeat.
And although mopping up a glorious sauce with bread can be extremely tempting, particularly in a relaxed French or Italian restaurant, this is one of those occasions when context matters.
What may be inappropriate at a formal dinner can be entirely natural in a relaxed local restaurant.
What on Earth Do I Do With an Olive Pip?
This is exactly the sort of tiny dining dilemma that can make someone suddenly self-conscious.
A useful rule is that something which entered the mouth in a particular way may generally leave it in the same way.
If you picked up the olive with your fingers, discreetly remove the pip with your fingers.
Slightly cup your hand, remove it without displaying it to the rest of the table, and place it on the edge of your plate or in a dish provided for the purpose.
The key word is discreetly.
The same principle applies to an unexpected small bone or something else inedible that finds its way into your mouth.
There is no requirement in etiquette to swallow something unpleasant simply to avoid embarrassment.
What If I Can’t Use Chopsticks?
Please do not allow a pair of chopsticks to ruin your dinner.
If you are comfortable using them, wonderful. If you would like to practise, have a go.
But if you are struggling to get a dumpling from the plate to your mouth while everyone else is halfway through dinner, politely ask for a fork.
You might simply say, “My chopstick skills are still a work in progress. May I please have a fork?”
There is no need for embarrassment or an elaborate apology.
Showing willingness to engage with another culture is courteous. Pretending to possess a skill you do not have is unnecessary.
Are Good Table Manners the Same Around the World?
Absolutely not, and this is perhaps one of the most important lessons in contemporary etiquette.
Those of us raised with Western dining conventions can unconsciously assume that eating with cutlery is the “proper” way to eat.
It isn’t.
It is simply one dining tradition.
India, for example, has extraordinarily diverse dining customs. In many regions and households, eating particular foods with the right hand is entirely appropriate.
Breads such as naan and roti can become part of the eating process, used to gather food from the plate.
Likewise, Ethiopian dining may involve sharing food from a communal platter, using pieces of injera to pick up the various dishes.
To somebody accustomed to an individual plate and their own knife and fork, this may initially feel unfamiliar.
But unfamiliar does not mean incorrect.
When dining within another culture, observe your hosts. Follow their lead. And if you are uncertain, there is nothing inelegant about asking.
In fact, saying, “Would you show me how you would normally eat this?” demonstrates curiosity, respect and confidence.
That is good etiquette.
The Table Manners That Matter Most
You may occasionally use the wrong fork.
You may lose control of a piece of spaghetti.
You may discover that you are hopeless with chopsticks.
None of these things makes you ill-mannered.
The most important contemporary table manners are remarkably simple.
Chew with your mouth closed. Do not speak with food in your mouth. Keep your phone away from the table. Avoid commenting on how much or how little another person is eating. Do not criticise another person’s food choices. And never embarrass somebody because they do not know a particular dining convention.
Above all, when you encounter another culture’s way of eating, approach it with curiosity rather than judgement.
Knowing the rules can give us confidence.
Knowing when to adapt demonstrates something more important: consideration.
Because the truly well-mannered person is not the person at the table demonstrating how much etiquette they know.
It is the person who makes everyone else at the table feel comfortable.
Key Takeaways
Contemporary table manners are less about rigid rules and more about eating with confidence, discretion and consideration.
Finger foods are perfectly acceptable when the food and setting call for them. Cutlery should be used naturally rather than ceremonially. Small dining dilemmas, from olive pips to spaghetti, are best handled quietly and without fuss.
If chopsticks make you uncomfortable, politely ask for a fork rather than allowing anxiety to dominate the meal.
And when dining across cultures, remember that Western table manners are not universal. Observe, ask respectfully and be willing to learn.
Ultimately, the purpose of good manners is not to demonstrate what we know. It is to help other people feel at ease.
Would You Like to Feel More Confident in Social Situations?
Dining etiquette is only one part of feeling comfortable and confident in the company of others.
Through The Percy Institute, I work with individuals who want to develop greater confidence in contemporary manners, social etiquette, communication and personal presentation, without feeling constrained by old-fashioned rules.
The Percy Institute
For upcoming events, courses, masterclasses and more information about modern manners and elegant living, visit: https://thepercyinstitute.com
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Send your questions and modern etiquette dilemmas via Instagram @ThePercyInstitute or email l.percy@thepercyinstitute.com
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